If you’ve been wondering why I haven’t written in a while, it’s because we’ve been holding in a big secret. I was afraid if I kept posting on here I’d blurt it out or give away too many hints. But the secret is out! We’re having a baby girl!! As I write that, I’m extremely excited and terrified about raising a daughter. This is a whole new ballgame now….
Thank you so much to everyone that’s reached out over the last week. As most of you know, I had a miscarriage about a year ago. In the last few days I have gotten to many responses from other women who’ve gone through the same ordeal. One friend said she was crying at my news, because she too had a miscarriage before giving birth to her daughter. I feel like I was thrust into this new group, a group of women who’ve lost pregnancies. It’s a group you never want to be a part of. But it’s also a group of strangers that have become my biggest cheerleaders. So thank you! You’ve helped me more than you realize.
What I didn’t expect is that you never really get over the loss. It’s this cloud that looms over you. Strangers come up and ask, “When are you going to have another baby?” How do you answer that? ‘Well we tried, and I had a miscarriage, but thanks for asking.” You just learn to smile and say “Oh, sometime soon hopefully.” That cloud doesn’t go away when you get pregnant the next time. In fact, the cloud gets bigger. To be completely honest, it sucked the joy out of this healthy pregnancy. That first trimester I was terrified. You go to bed each night praying for something you have zero control over. Each doctor visit you hold your breath until you can hear her heartbeat. Even after the 13-week threshold, I still wasn’t ready to tell people. There was still that one percent cloud looming over me. But I will always remember what my doctor told me. His wife had two miscarriages as well.
“The only way to prevent the pain of a miscarriage is to never get pregnant. But if you do that, you’ll rob yourself of the joy when it finally works.”
He is so right. And at some point I just learned to let the fear go. Don’t get me wrong, I still get worked up every time I walk into the doctor’s office. But lately I’ve been able to find a joy and a peace in this pregnancy. I’ve allowed myself to have an emotional connection with her. Something I was too afraid to do a few weeks ago.
I still have so much to share and ask about the topic. Like how in the heck am I going to juggle two kids and traveling? What does Jace think about his new baby sister? Spoiler alert- he’s not too keen on the idea. I’ve also had many of you ask why I opened up about this pregnancy and not my first. I’ll write about that next time.
I just wanted to hop on here real quick to say thank you. I never chose to be a part of this so-called “group”, but I’m thankful for what you all have taught me and how to manage the pain and the joy that follows. THANK YOU!